?

Log in

Part 6! - THE ADVENTURES OF SIR HILLDO!!! [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
WHO WANTS TO SEX SIR HILLDO??!

[ GRACE | KITTY KITTY ]
[ ORCS!!! ONOES | PONY TIME!! ]

Part 6! [Sep. 21st, 2008|11:17 pm]
The Text Adventures of Sir Hilldo!

sir_hilldo

[hilldo]
[Tags|, , ]

Yeah, it's about damn time. Finally something that isn't a repost! Anyway, I shouldn't need to lead into this one, nor should I have to put pictures of food on here to get your attention either (doesn't mean I won't though) so without further delay...

Penis Text Adventures, Part VI
Rating: R for profanity and suggestive themes?
Characters: Grace, A Random Elf, Some Spiders, Gay Ogres, The Pink Fur Coat...oh and Sir Hilldo is in there somewhere too.

Summary: In which the adventure continues...Lady Grace has to save the day, rescuing Sir Hilldo from the clutches of a fashion nightmare. There may also be Golden Showers and Ogre Gay bars too.



Well, you think, today just sucks.

You finally find a knight - a sort of crappy knight, to be honest, but a knight anyway - and he's not only willing to help you but actually capable of doing the job! And you've finally made progress on the quest to win back your magic and help your father and your country. It was a good day -

And then your knight got his ass kicked by an ogre in very un-stylish pink.

Luckily, you managed to escape. You thank your magical training for once in your life. Your invisibility spell is holding for now, as long as you don't try to move too fast or do anything too strenuous. You've followed the ogre and his/her (? you are still confused on that point) army of assorted orcs back their lair -- only to lose the entire crowd in a forest. You're still not sure how your princessy-skills sucked so bad as to lose a flamingly bright ogre and some really noisy orcs, but you did - they just vanished into nothing.

Now you're alone in a haunted forest, and you're pissed off.

This usually doesn't turn out well. For the forest.

> Wait, I'm a chick now?

Yes, in fact, you are! Surprise!

> Resist urge to touch self
> View surroundings, there has to be some trace of orcs I missed before

You glance down at yourself only once before scanning the area. You don't want to move too quickly, or you'll lose your invisibility - although it may not matter any more, because you're pretty solidly alone. It is a forest. There are trees. Lots of them.

You seem to be standing on a bit of a clearing that may or may not be a path. It heads forward a little bit, and then spreads out into what may or may not be two directions. You're not sure whether it really is a path, or if your brain is making one because you want it to be a path so badly.

> Become visible to save magic power, and maybe even attract some attention

With a bit of a sigh, you cancel the invisibility spell. No use in expending all of your magical power at this point. For a moment you stand there and glance around you, hoping that maybe all of the ogres and orcs will become visible too. No such luck.

But while you're looking, you see something dart behind a tree out of the corner of your eye.

> Casually walk away from the tree, keeping an eye on it.

You take a couple slow steps away from the tree as if you're looking for something. This time, because you're watching, it's more obvious: somebody darts from the first tree to another, nearby. A tiny face peeks around for a brief moment before hiding itself again.

> Issue a warning to come out before you start shooting fireballs everywhere!

"Is someone there?" you call. "You might want to come out. I'm in a particularly bad mood and I've got a fireball spell ready."

There's a moment of pretty awkward silence, and then movement. It's an elf. A very small elf, with a nervous-looking face. She's dressed a lot like the elf you saw - er, fried - earlier. She looks up at you, and it's obvious that she's terrified.

> Ask mini-elf why she is so frightened.

"Why are you so scared?" you ask.

She takes a step back. "I saw what you did to my sister," she whispers. "You're the magical one, aren't you?"

"Oh," you say, a little taken aback. "Uh, I won't hurt you if you won't hurt me."

"I won't hurt you," the little elf whispers.

> Resist urge to ask her which tree has all the cookies in it.
> Ask elfette if she knows why her sister was trying to kill us

You can't resist. "Which tree has all the cookies?"

She bites her lip. "I don't think I know what you're talking about, ma'am." The poor little thing seems to think you're going to fry her on the spot.

"Never mind." You crouch down to her level. "Do you, by any chance, know why your sister was trying to kill us?"

"It's her job," the little thing says with a tiny hint of pride. "Sasah was a mercenary."

> Nicely ask EL Fudge who Sasah worked for.

"The Free Elves work for themselves," she whispers back. "I don't know who hired her for that particular job."

> Ask her if she has seen any flamboyantly dressed ogres or orcs recently.

"Well." You sigh. "I have to go get my friend back. Have you seen anything around here lately? Bright pink and ugly, maybe?"

"The ogre," the little one whispers.

"Yeah," you say, trying not to get excited. "The big ogre. Do you know where they went?"

"Into the Wood," she replies. "I can take you, if you want."

> Let the elf show you the way, being wary of a trap

"Alright," you say. You're not entirely sure about this little munchkin, but you don't really have anything else to go on. Besides, it's your turn to save Sir Hilldo, for once.

"This way," she says, in a little more than a whisper, and presses a tiny hand to a nearby tree. The tree shimmers, and then vanishes all of a sudden. You can't help but gasp in surprise. "This is the real Haunted Wood," the elf says with a little bit more pride. "They went in here."

So that's how they vanished so fast, you think to yourself. Well, you can go in with an elf you're not sure you trust, or you can hang out where you are and look for more clues. Neither one seems like a good choice. Alternately, you could turn right around and find Kitty Kitty and head off to your homeland - but that doesn't really seem fair.

> Go with the elf, what's the worst that could happen?

You shrug, and take a step in.

Instantly the world goes black. It's nighttime in the "real" Haunted Wood, and the Haunted Wood is not playing with you. There are cobwebs everywhere. Glowing eyes blink down at you from the trees, which suddenly look a hell of a lot bigger and meaner than before. Something rustles behind you, and you turn. The tiny little elf is standing there.

"Go on," she says.

There's a path leading away from whatever hole in reality you just stepped through. It's a pretty crappy-looking path, covered with broken branches and what looks like the torn ends of some rope. You think you see a skeleton up ahead. It looks like a haunted house threw up in here.

> What? No howling wolves?
> Make the midget elf lead the way. If it's a trap you can at least fry her.

"Go ahead," you say, trying to sound reassuring. "You lead the way - you know where they are."

The elflet pulls out a really tiny knife. "There are monsters sometimes," she whispers, and you try not to laugh. The knife looks like the kind of thing Sir Hilldo would use to pick his teeth, and the thought of the dashing Sir Hilldo in the clutches of that ogre's fashion sense reminds you of how dire your situation really is.

Baby Elf starts down the path, walking at a quick pace and almost humming to herself. You're a little bothered by how pleased she seems to be in this ridiculous forest.

> Make sure the elf isn't looking at you
> Go invisible to see if this freaks keebler out.

You slow down a bit and then lay on your invisibility spell. You make a big noise kicking something to make sure Mini turns around.

"Shit!" she yells, loudly. Her eyes narrow, and she starts glancing around the forest. "Where'd the bitch go?"

You freeze, because otherwise she'll see through your spell.

> Wait for soft batch to look away, and re-appear
> Calmly ask elf why she's freaking out.

The elf continues on, looking behind every tree. When she's distracted, you take off the spell. "What's wrong?" you say.

The look on her face melts into relief. "I thought I'd lost you in here!" she says.

> Continue walking towards the inevitable trap
> Try not to smile at the thought of bar-b-que'ing some more elves.

You continue to follow Pocket Elf through the Haunted Wood, keeping your best fire spell at the ready. Nothing happens, though. Nothing, that is, until you turn a bend and four enourmous spiders drop from the trees towards you. One of them snags Baby Keebler before she can run, and starts to spin her up into a web. The elf is screaming, and sobbing. The other three spiders turn to you, and the front one looks hungry.

> Wet pants, spiders don't like to eat urine flavored things!
> Think of a real plan while wetting pants.

Are you sure you want to pee yourself?

> No, shoot a fireball at the front spider instead

You concentrate, and fire a huge fireball towards the front spider. It's enough to send it rolling into the second; the two spiders kind of flail around in what looks like a fiery orgy for a moment or two before they put the flames out on the leaves. Mini is still screaming. The spiders are a little wary of you, now that they've seen flaming death coming from your general direction.

> Confidently walk towards the spider holding munchkin, making ominous looking body motions towards any spider that dare approach.
> Wonder how long it is till you can cast your next fireball.

You begin to walk towards the munchkin-munching spider, waving your arms around and making growly noises when the spiders gesture at you. They seem intimidated, but as you have another couple seconds to go before you can cast another fireball, you don't want to test your luck just yet.

Baby Elf looks up at you. She's weeping in terror. "Save me, please save me!"

> Check inventory: Sharp and Pointy things

Princess Grace's Inventory:
- One short sword
- One poisonous dagger
- A handful of potions, probably for magic
- tampons
- leftover treats you bought for Kitty Kitty when you thought Sir Hilldo wasn't looking
- Lip gloss

> Throw poison dagger at tiny elf holding spider. Aim for the eyes!

You grab your dagger from the very sexy place you keep it, and toss it at the spider holding Baby Snack. The dagger strikes the spider in one of its eyes, which explodes. Apparently spider eye goo looks like Jello. Who knew?

The spider screams, and it drops the little elf. She's still wrapped in nasty spider silk stuff, but she manages to roll herself away. Great, you think. That leaves me with three and a half really angry spiders.

> Use short sword to free runt elf from her cocoon
> Use spell check to find out if Cocoon is spelled right!

You pause the spider battle for a moment to cast Spell Check on yourself. Luckily, cocoon is spelled correctly! You then cast Spell Check on the baby elf and find out that her name is Marah and her species is correctly spelled Keebleria minutae. A quick Spell Check on the spiders tells you that their names are Eenie, Meenie, Miney, and Moe, and that they are weak to fire and long boring stories about cats.

Your pause chooses this moment to expire. Quickly, you dive forward and slice through the strands of the cocoon that's holding Little One in place. Marah looks up at you with really wide eyes and doesn't seem to be doing anything even remotely helpful.

Unfortunately for you, that's when you feel something loop around your leg.

> Tell me what's wrapped around my leg isn't a spider web!

It's not a spider web.

> It's a kitten's tail isn't it! I knew it!

Nope, sorry. Something a little grosser.

> Bacon?

Bacon is pretty gross, that's right. But it's not bacon, either.

> Ok I give. What is it?

The nearest spider - the one called Miney - has wrapped its tongue around your leg. It must think princesses taste like bacon.

> Quickly debate pro's and con's of pissing self vs. fireball shooting to determine best option.

If you pee yourself, you may not be as attractive to the spiders. However, you will then be covered in urine. The fireball would probably fry the spider to a crisp, but the spider's pretty dangerously close to you right now.

> Sigh
> Give yourself a golden shower

You pee yourself. As it drips down your leg, you're suddenly ridiculously thankful that Sir Hilldo isn't here to see it. Your tasty Pee Surprise hits the spider, and the tongue recoils in disgust. The spider shakes its head, trying to get rid of the terrible taste, and runs off into the bushes. The other three spiders look at you in fear.

Man, are you angry. You're shaking with rage and humiliation, your cute panties are soaked, and you're pretty absolutely sick of this spidery bullshit. You feel something explode out of you, and all of a sudden, you're glowing.

Congratulations: you have accessed Princess Grace's hidden form, Royally Pissed Off!

> Use new form to destroy spiders!

You cast your fireball spell, and to your surprise a giant wall of flame bursts out of your hands, almost instantly incinerating the spiders around you. They go off in really pretty little fireworks, and you can't help but "Oooh" as the sparks fly. Once the steam dies down, you realize that you've accidentally scorched Mini - she's coughing, though, so hopefully she'll be okay. You're still glowing, and by the light of your Royally Pissed powers, you can see a turn in the path up ahead, and a sign.

> Read the sign.

The sign pointing to the right reads, "Instant Death for Heroes, this way."
The sign pointing to the left reads, "Flex: A Bar For Ogres Of All Persuasions, this way."
The sign pointing the way you came from reads, "Go Back To The Real World, this way."

> Instruct Elf-baby to follow you left quickly while you are still super pissed.

Marah screams as you approach and ducks behind a smoking spider corpse. "Go away!" she yells. "You're scary!" Fortunately for Babyface, this only makes you MORE pissed. You start to glow with a bright white light, and before you really know what you're doing, a pretty white light settles around Mini Keebler. It heals her completely.

She looks up, astonished. "Come on," you say, angrily. You turn and start storming down the path towards the gay ogre club. You can hear dance music from where you are. To the left, you hear grunting noises that you really don't want to be curious about.

Suddenly, there it is before you. Flex is decorated with enough glitter to drown a small child, and the inside is flashing with multiple strobe lights. It looks crowded. An elf who looks drunk comes up to you and blatantly ogles your chest. "Hey, earthling," he slurs. "Are you here for some fun? Nice glow, by the way."

> Express desire for a threesome with him, and a human knight if he knows where one can be found.

"I like the sound of that," you manage to purr. "But what I'd really be into is a menage a trois, you and maybe a knight? Male? Wearing armor? Anybody like that available around here?"

Stripper Elf stops to think. "Dunno," he slurs. "Mostly ogres."

> Fine. No glowing ass for you then!
> Enter the gay bar, gay bar, gay bar.

"Fine, then," you say seductively. "If you don't have what I want, I'll look elsewhere." And you do. The inside of Flex is draped with tropical flowers and nearly-nude ogres of various sexes and sizes. You never really knew what a female ogre looked like before, and now that you do, you wish you could forget it. As you step inside the club, your Royally Pissed aura lights up even the darkest corners (giving you more knowledge about ogre ass than you ever dreamed you'd have), and everyone's eyes turn to you.

> Walk to the bar, as long as I'm here might as well have a beer.
> Casually try to get information out of bartender

You head up to the bar and order a beer. The bartender eyes you warily. "Why are you glowing?"

"It's the newest fashion," you say, not really wanting to tell anyone the story. "I'm trying to pick myself up a sexy knight."

The bartender stares at you like you've got two heads. "Then why are you in a gay bar for ogres?"

"I, uh," you say, not really knowing the answer. Luckily, you're saved - somebody's tugging on your arm. You look down. It's Marah. She points over towards a really freaky-looking room with door beads made of little skulls. Behind the door, you think you can see something pink.

> Ask the bartender what's in that room
> And where's my fucking beer!

"So what's back there?" you ask. "And can I get that beer sometime soon?"

"Here you go," he says. The beer tastes like it pissed itself earlier, too, but since you did the same thing you figure you can't really blame it too much.

"How much?" you ask.

"It's on the house," he says with a kind of nasty grin. "Somebody in the back room said to buy a round for any pretty human princesses who walked in." He ogles you. "I'd say you count, sweetheart."

You chug your beer for courage. Where's Sir Hilldo when you need him? "What's in the back room?"

The bartender simply hands you a pass. "Why don't you go find out?" he says. The small greasy piece of paper reads: Fantasy Room, admit one.

> Hope the glowing lasts at least long enough to see what's in the room.
> Walk towards the fantasy room.

You head over towards the Fantasy Room. Your curiosity starts to get the better of you, but then you notice that your glow is fading. No, dammit! you think. Fortunately, getting angry makes the glow come back. You'll need to keep yourself mad as hell if you want to stay in your superpowered state.

As you approach the room, you notice an elf in a skimpy maid's outfit standing at the door. "Your pass, please," she says. You can't see much through the curtain.

> Get good and angry by thinking about when you were held captive by an Ogre

You pause for a moment, thinking about the time you spent chained to the Ogre's table while he frolicked with those jewels you desperately needed. Thinking about the ogre's grubby paws all over you and your magic wand makes you pretty furious. The glow intensifies, and the elf takes a step back.

"I - I still can't let you in without your pass," she says. You take a moment to note that apparently all elves are pussies.

> Give pass to vaginelf

You hand over your pass. Stripper Elf checks it, and then pulls aside the door beads. Cringing, you look inside. You're expecting something really awful, but actually this is the most tasteful room in the place. Behind it is a very quiet and demure bar setup, with only one or two dancers in cages in the corners. There are some nicely decorated couches, with little throw pillows shaped like bones. The rug is a nice fancy pink that Sir Hilldo would be proud of.

> Look around. Any Ogre's up in this bitch?

There are a few ogres at the bar, chatting amongst themselves. The rest of the room looks empty. No one looks familiar.

"In the back, ma'am," Ho Elf says suddenly. "They're waiting for you."

You look. This room is so much darker than the dance floor you just came from that it's hard to see, even with your glowing self, but it does look like there are a couple large forms in the very back of the room, sitting on a couch.

> Well, since I'm here it would be rude not to have a beer.

You head up to the bar. "You'd like a beer," the bartender says before you can even open your mouth.

"Well... yeah," you say. You wait in silence while he pours you one from the tap. This beer is much better than the one you chugged outside - for one, it tastes like beer and not piss. You start to relax, but then you notice that your glowing aura is dying a little bit.

"How did you know I like beer?" you yell at the bartender, trying to get mad again.

He jerks his head towards the back of the room. "They told me," he says.

> Head towards the back room, the sight of pink fur on an ogre should piss you off plenty

You head towards the back. It's very shadowy, and you try to stay alert (and angry). As you approach, you recognize the shape. It's the very same ogre that stole Sir Hilldo from you. It smiles. You're still not really sure whether the pink-shawl-lover is a boy or girl ogre. It's sitting with another ogre. A new lover? You wonder. He looks a lot like the ogre that held you captive. A LOT. Which doesn't make any sense, because your captor was killed. You're starting to get angry again.

"Where's Sir Hilldo?" you yell.

The ogre laughs. "Oh, my dear, you should have taken the other path."

"What?" The glow around you is intensifying now.

It smiles. It doesn't have a lot of teeth. "Sir Hilldo's probably long gone by now. I'm so glad you decided to come have a drink instead of saving him."

> Help: Ogre Torture

The "Ogre Torture" command comes with the following modifiers:
- fiery, aka torture with one of Grace's fire spells
- shocking, aka torture with a lightning spell
- shockingly bad, aka torturing with really bad puns
- bloody, in which Grace gets out her sword
- what not to wear, aka take half an hour to teach the ogre how to dress itself properly in clothes it could never afford on its own
- jambox steal, aka take the ogre's jambox (note: only works if ogre has a jambox)
- Dawson's Creek, aka Sing the Dawson's Creek theme song until ogre goes crazy
- cookie, aka make cookies and do not share them with the ogre. Can only be performed with cookie dough and an oven
- Chilly, aka torture with an ice spell
- Bitchy, aka give the ogre a tongue-lashing (of the bad kind)
- elfbeat, aka torture using an elf as a weapon

Other commands may be available in Grace's Royally Pissed Off mode. However, you have not yet unlocked the Help file for those.

> Ogre Torture: Bloody!

You pull out your sword. The ogre only laughs. "Do you think that will hurt me?" it says, clutching its neon-pink fur around its shoulders. "I'm invincible while I'm wearing this. Invincible AND fashionable."

"I'll prove you're neither," you say, gritting your teeth. You draw back the sword and thrust -- right into the ogre's companion. It's great catharsis for you, since you didn't get to personally participate in the ogre-squashing that killed the last one. The ogre howls, and you pull back your sword and flash what is hopefully an evil smile.

"No!" the pink-furred ogre cries out. "Not my son!" It stands up faster than you've ever seen an ogre move, and throws the pink shawl around its bleeding companion.

> Get all stabbity on mama ogre
> Demand to know where Sir Hilldo is!

You turn quickly and stab your sword into Ma Ogre's leg. It howls, too, and the other ogre starts crying. You make a vague mental note that ogre tears look a lot like snot. "Where's Sir Hilldo?"

The ogre stands up and throws you off. You skid across the room and slam into a table. Ow! Fucking ogres.

"Get out of here while you know what's good for you," the ogre thunders. The baby ogre curls up under the pink fur and shivers.

> Check proximity of mom ogre to snot factory baby ogre

Babity Ogre has crawled under the nearest table, so Mommy Ogre is standing pretty much by herself.

> Knock mom ogre even further away from ogre spawn with fireball
> Use baby ogre (and pink 'thing') as hostage

You aim a fireball at Big Ogre. You're still in Royally Pissed Off mode, and the fireball sends the ogre head-over-heels until it crumples in a smoking pile in the back of the room. You grab the mass of snotty matted neon pink fur and hold your sword at its head. "Where's Sir Hilldo?"

The ogre coughs from the back, but it can tell you're serious by the way your Super Aura is lighting up the entire Fantasy Room. "Follow the sign for Instant Death for Heroes," it coughs. "He's down there. Just don't hurt my baby."

> Destroy the fashion atrocity known as pink fur (leaving baby intact!)
> Leave the fantasy room treating yourself to another free beer on the way out.

You gather up all of your strength and send flaming wrath towards the baby. The ogre in the corner wails out loud and stands up as if to chase you, but when the fireball dies down the child is fine - it's only the ugly pink wrap which has been burnt to ashes.

"There," you say. "I've done fashion a favor." It's a terrible exit line, and you're glad Sir Hilldo wasn't there to hear it. As you pass the bar on your way out, you notice the bartender cowering in the corner. You tap the bar and he passes you - a six pack! Score! You pop one open and take a swig as you leave the Fantasy Room.

The first thing you notice is how dark the bar is... you must have used up all of your Royally Pissed powers in the Fantasy Room. The second thing you notice is that Midget Elf is getting a lap dance from Stripper Elf.

> What's the third?

You notice that the power of your Royally Pissed Off mode has dried your pants, so you don't smell like urine! Score!

> Fist Pump!!!
> Pay for another dance for elf-mini, and leave gay bar.

You pump your fist in the air, and toss a few gold coins towards Elfette. You then make your way out of Flex. You've had way too much flaming ogre for now.

> Head towards the fork in the road quick like bunny!

You run down the road as fast as you can towards the sign. Your sword slams against your leg, and your six-pack clinks as you run. There it is: "Instant Death for Heroes, this way."

> Remind yourself about how not heroic you really are
> Follow the path.

You take a deep breath. It isn't as if the sign says "Instant Death for Princesses", right? So you should be safe. You start to walk down the path. The forest is dark and creepy again, and you can barely see where you're walking. A wolf howls in the distance. You turn a bend and come upon a huge mountain of rock. There's a cave in the side of the mountain, but it's blocked by an iron gate. The rest of the path is blocked by a bunch of thorny trees. There's a strange noise coming from the cave. It sounds like screaming.

> Thorns are pointy, right?

Yes, in fact, they are! Would you like to investigate further?

> Hmm, no.
> Is the gate pointy?

Not really. It's a bit rusty and jagged, but not really pointy.

> Check: date of last tetanus shot.

Your magical protection against STDs also prevents tetanus. Go you!

> Magic fucking rules!
> Sneak through gate quietly.

You open the gate as quietly as you can. Unfortunately, it's a rusty old gate, so it squeals as you open it. The squealing blends with the sound of screaming that you hear from inside. You eventually get the gate open. In front of you is a long dusty cavern with spiderwebs trailing from it. You can't see very far.

> Look around for other less dirty entrances.

There doesn't appear to be anything obvious.

> Slowly enter cavern
> Look forward to the inevitable bath after this is all done.

You head forward into the cobwebby mess, feeling them coat your hair and body. You think about how nice it will be to have a bath, and wonder whether Sir Hilldo has
some nice scented bath oils. The thought of Sir Hilldo in the bath keeps you going until you come out onto a wider opening. In front of you is a deep dark hole in the ground. Something in the bottom is screaming.

> Like, human screaming or face eating monster screaming?

Actually, both. There's a human voice and a really deep gross-sounding voice. They're screaming at each other.

> I better investigate!

You can't really see much, so you decide to yell out. "Hello?"

Both of the voices immediately quiet down. The cave is filled with the desperate sound of silence.

> Break silence by humming Simon and Garfunkel
> Examine hole...is there a way to climb down?

You start humming the refrain of 'Sounds of Silence' as you peer into the hole. You can't see anything, so you light up a small fireball to take a look. There is a coiled rope on the edge of the hole - it looks like someone pulled the rope up so whatever was in the hole couldn't use it.

"Hello?" a voice calls from the hole. "Um, help?"

> Casually converse with the voice in the hole, you know, break the ice.

"Hi down there," you say playfully. "What's going on?"

There's a really long pause, and then the voice calls, "Grace?"

It seems you have found Sir Hilldo!

> Check hair
> Throw rope down

You instinctively run your hands through your hair to make sure it looks alright, then throw the rope down into the hole.

"No!" Sir Hilldo yells. "You'll let it out! Grab the rope!"

> It?
> Grab the rope!!!

You grab the rope, hoping that you'll be in time. You pull it up hastily - luckily for you, there's nothing really scary hanging on to the other end.

"It?" you ask.

"There's a monster down here," Sir Hilldo says, casually. "I was entertaining it by having a screaming contest when you came in. It's not that fierce, actually. I think the light scared it away. But I don't want it to climb up the rope and hurt you!"

> I ain't scared of no monster!
> Throw the rope back down.

You toss the rope back down. "Sir Hilldo, I'm perfectly capable of defending myself," you say, all the while smiling because it's cute that he wants to protect you and all. "Catch the rope," you order.

There's a whole lot of grunting and noisy noise-making as he climbs. You wait, tapping your foot a little, and eventually Sir Hilldo emerges from the hole.

> Examine Sir Hilldo, cuddily.

You sidle your way up to Sir Hilldo, giving him what you hope is a sultry look. However, you change your mind halfway because Sir Hilldo appears to be covered in spiderwebs and bat shit.

He smiles at you, and then glances down the hole. "I wonder if that thing wants out," he says.

> Gesture for Sir Hilldo to get that dirt of his shoulder
> Ask mystery creature if it wants out

You send a very pointed look at Sir Hilldo's armor, hoping that he'll clean himself up before you are forced to strip him of his nasty armor yourself. You then bend over the hole and call down: "Hello? Do you want to come up, too?"

There's a pretty long pause, and then a deep voice says, "Are you sure you won't hurt me?"

> Why is everyone afraid of me!
> And yeah no hurting unless hurting is required.

"We won't hurt you," you say, encouragingly. You then turn to Sir Hilldo and ask, "Why is everyone afraid of me?"

Sir Hilldo laughs. "I think it's me he's worried about," he says. "I thought this was Instant Death for Heroes, and I kind of stabbed him with my sword a little before I realized I wasn't being eaten."

There is a tug on the rope, and then movement, like something very large is climbing up the rope.

"What is it?" you ask.

Sir Hilldo rolls his eyes. "It was pitch dark," he says. "I have no idea what it will be. Why, are you worried?"

> Nope!
> Change Subject: Where's the kitty!

"Not really," you say. "Where's the changeling?"

"Right here," Sir Hilldo says, reaching down into the front of his armor pants.

"Ew!" You say.

"That's where it decided to hide!" Sir Hilldo says, defensively. "Uh, I mean, not that it had a lot of room to hide, you know..."

"Whatever," you reply. Luckily, Sir Hilldo finishes fishing around in his shorts and finds the changeling kitty. He holds it out to you. The poor thing looks happy to see you, so you feed it one of the treats from your pocket.

"A little help here?" calls the really deep voice. "I'm kind of stuck."

> See what's stuck in hole.

You peer over the edge, lighting up a little fire spell in your hand as you do.

The ugliest giant you have ever seen is hanging from the rope. His arm is stuck in between two rocks, where he must have been reaching for a handhold.

"Hi," he says, somewhat sheepishly. "Can you do anything?"

> Check inventory: Crisco

Princess Grace's Inventory:
- One short sword
- One poisonous dagger
- A handful of potions, probably for magic
- tampons
- leftover treats you bought for Kitty Kitty when you thought Sir Hilldo wasn't looking
- Lip gloss
- 5 Pack of Beer

> Oooh lip gloss! I forgot about that.
> Put on lip gloss.

You quickly put on some lip gloss. It tastes like berry pie. You are pleased.

> Delicious!
> See if Sir Hilldo has crisco or anything similarly slick.

"Do you think you can get him unstuck?" you ask.

"I don't know," Sir Hilldo says. He checks through his own inventory, blushes really red, and then mumbles something.

> Encourage Sir Hilldo to share what he is embarrased at so you can laugh at him!

"What?" you ask. "What is it?"

"I've got lube," he mumbles. "It might work."

> Have Sir Hilldo lube up his monster friend

"Try it!" you say. Sir Hilldo gives you a strange look, but nods, and pours some of the lube down into the hole. It hits the monster's arm. "Mmm, tingly!" the monster says. You make a mental note of the bottle so that you can pick some more up at the store. It never hurts to be a bit prepared.

"Thanks," the giant says, and the sound of climbing resumes. You glance back at Sir Hilldo. He's still blushing a little. It's kind of cute.

> Have Sir Hilldo explain how he ended up in the hole

"The ogre knocked me out," he says. "By the time I woke up, I was already here. It had a good laugh while showing me the sign that said Instant Death for Heroes, and it said I'd be lucky if my body was ever found. Then it threw me down the hole. I landed on top of the giant, which scared the crap out of both of us. Luckily for me, he had a good sense of humor. We traded jokes for a while and then had that screaming contest. It wasn't all that bad... I assumed somebody would come along sooner or later." He smiles. "I'm pretty glad it was you."

> Tell the ky warming giant to climb faster!
> Leave the cavern

"Hurry up!" you call down the hole. "I'd like to get out of here some time this century!"

"I'm right here," the giant says as he hauls himself over the edge. "Sorry, but I'm quite large, if you haven't noticed."

"I noticed," Sir Hilldo says. "But the lady is right."

"You noticed, huh." You can't help but tease a little. "And just what did you notice that was so ...large?"

Hilldo smirks. "I'll show you large later," he says. "For now, let's get out of here."

The three of you (well, four, counting Kitty Kitty) exit the Cave of Instant Death to Heroes and re-enter the Haunted Wood.

"Well," Sir Hilldo sighs. "What now?"

> Back to the signpost!
> Engage the Giant in quaint conversation which is completely irrelevant to the plot

You head back to the signpost, making casual conversation with the giant, who keeps banging his head on the scary trees (which aren't quite as scary looking any more). He tells you that his name is Quincy and he plays the lute. When you ask how he ended up in the Cave of Instant Death for Heroes, he shrugs and says he can't really remember.

You make it back to the signpost.
The sign pointing the way you came reads, "Instant Death for Heroes, this way."
The sign pointing straight ahead reads, "Flex: A Bar For Ogres Of All Persuasions, this way."
The sign pointing to the left reads, "Go Back To The Real World, this way."

> Back to the real world!

"Let's go back," you say to Sir Hilldo, smiling.

"I'm sorry, I can't follow you," Quincy says. "I live in this ridiculous magical forest, see. But here. You two saved me from that terrible pit. If you ever need help, hold this and call my name, and I'll see what I can do." Quincy hands you a pretty-looking bead. You take it and put it on the chain you wear around your neck. Sir Hilldo is glaring, and you wonder if he wants to buy you some nicer jewelry or something.

You have gained "Summon: Quincy"!

You say your goodbyes, and you and Sir Hilldo step back out into your own world.

> Wait, escaping was really that easy?

Actually, yeah. The ogres saw the "Instant Death" sign and thought Sir Hilldo was a goner. Ma Ogre doesn't want to mess with your nasty pee-stained body, either. It's a good stroke of luck that "Instant Death" didn't really mean what it said.

This doesn't mean the rest of your quest will be easy, though. Don't get too excited.

> Fine!
> Look around, which way to Sir Hilldo's?

You glance around. You don't really have any idea where you are, but Sir HIlldo whistles really loudly. A second later, his pony comes running up over the horizon. Kitty Kitty gives a purr of approval. It looks like everything might be back to normal... for now.

"Come on, Grace." Sir Hilldo helps you up on the horse. "Let's get going back to your country and see if we can save your father!"

You smile and nod, although your heart's not in it. Things are really nice here, and you're not looking forward to going home.

"Okay." He looks at you. "Why don't we take a break before we go? I know a great pub right around the corner. We can go have a drink and relax a bit before the big trip."

You smile at that. Beer sounds excellent.




Hope this makes monday a bit more tolerable for everyone. :)
LinkReply

Comments:
From: katmillia
2008-09-22 03:35 am (UTC)
I CANNOT DECIDE WHAT IN THIS WAS MY FAVORITE PART. PERHAPS EL FUDGE. AND ALSO GAY OGRE BAR. UM AND PEE-PANTS.

THIS... MADE MY NIGHT.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: first_seventhe
2008-09-22 01:51 pm (UTC)
I KIND OF WANTED COOKIES WHILE WRITING THIS ENTIRE THING. HAHA.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: lassarina
2008-09-22 04:01 am (UTC)
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

You guys are fucking brilliant.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: first_seventhe
2008-09-22 01:52 pm (UTC)
♥ IT'S ALL FOR YOU, MY DEAR
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: itsbuttery
2008-09-22 11:20 am (UTC)
..........I saw the Gay Ogre Bar and died. Literally died. I'll be cursing you two and your genius/hilarity from the sixth circle of hell, just so you know.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: first_seventhe
2008-09-22 01:51 pm (UTC)
THE GAY OGRE BAR IS A HIT! I am expecting awesome fanart!!
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
From: churched
2008-09-22 01:10 pm (UTC)
This is brilliant. YOU CAN HAVE MY FIRST-BORN CHILD.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: first_seventhe
2008-09-22 01:52 pm (UTC)
Really?? Does he do tricks?!
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
From: churched
2008-09-22 01:56 pm (UTC)
Yes. If you say, "go away, I've got a hooker here," he'll hide in the broom cupboard for three days and live on nothing but his own internal nutrients.

He also knows such phrases as, "shut up and make me my dinner, whore," and "I reject my slave name," both of which he will gladly say at parties - in six different languages. Eight, if you give him a shot of tequila.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: first_seventhe
2008-09-22 02:02 pm (UTC)
THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER!!
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
From: churched
2008-09-22 02:04 pm (UTC)
Yes. Yes it is.

What do I get in return? >:D
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: first_seventhe
2008-09-22 02:10 pm (UTC)
UHM. More Sir Hilldo? We're working on the next chapter right now.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
From: churched
2008-09-22 02:13 pm (UTC)
WHEE. That'll work!

*throws the first-born party trick kid at you* Don't let him near your fingers.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: first_seventhe
2008-09-22 02:17 pm (UTC)
AUGH! FUCK, those are sharp teeth!!
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
From: churched
2008-09-22 02:19 pm (UTC)
Well, yes.

Have you ever seen Jaws? No... no reason. I was just wondering. Really.

Give him a phonebook to chew on. It'll entertain him for at least a week.

(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: first_seventhe
2008-09-22 02:26 pm (UTC)
Memo: to Jes
Subject: URGENT!!!!1

am out of phone books (stop) have given child an entire table to chew through (stop) send help (full stop)
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
From: churched
2008-09-22 02:30 pm (UTC)
Geez, you can't even foist off demon spawn on unsuspecting friends anymore without them worrying about their precious furniture.

Okay, okay! *magically magics to Cleveland*

*drops kid out of a second story window* You've got five minutes. Do you have any holy water? Or better yet, a crocodile?
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: first_seventhe
2008-09-22 02:42 pm (UTC)
We've got crocodiles down at our plant, still wandering around from the hurricane! Let's go! *magicks to Orange, TX and picks up a crocodile*
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
From: churched
2008-09-22 02:46 pm (UTC)
Okay, but someone is going to have to sit on Demon Kid's face to keep him from eating the sidewalk. Sev, does anyone owe you a favour?

(Where are we going with this?)
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: first_seventhe
2008-09-22 02:50 pm (UTC)
Hey! Hilldo! Get in here and sit on this kid's face!


(Hahahahaha I have no clue!)
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
From: churched
2008-09-22 02:57 pm (UTC)
It's perfectly safe! He is in no way evil or blessed with teeth like knives and Sev and I are totally not running away to Texas together! Hehehe. *magicks to the place known as Orange*
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: first_seventhe
2008-09-22 03:11 pm (UTC)
Here, this crocodile will protect you! *throws croc at Hilldo and skips happily away with Jes*
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
From: churched
2008-09-22 03:18 pm (UTC)
I can't help but feel that this is counter-productive in writing Sir Hilldo, especially leaving your co-writer with a hungry crocodile while he sits on Satan's face.

Oh well! *frolicks through a meadow with Sev*
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: first_seventhe
2008-09-22 03:20 pm (UTC)
Maybe there will be out-takes this round. XD
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
From: churched
2008-09-22 03:22 pm (UTC)
Very exciting! :D

My life has now become a waiting period between installments of Sir Hilldo. I am beginning to regret ever friending you - I cannot handle all the awesome!
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: first_seventhe
2008-09-22 03:38 pm (UTC)
LOL! The awesomeness of Sir Hilldo really only disguises the lack of awesomeness that is my life! XD
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
From: churched
2008-09-22 03:45 pm (UTC)
I think having your own fandom is plenty of awesomeness for one lifetime!
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: first_seventhe
2008-09-22 03:53 pm (UTC)
WE NEED MORE FANART! XD
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
From: churched
2008-09-22 03:55 pm (UTC)
SINCE YOU ASKED SO NICELY... XD
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: aesriella
2008-09-22 03:06 pm (UTC)
NAOMI WANTS TO SEX PRINCESS G-STRING GRACE

ALSO "LADY GRACE" SOUNDS LIKE SOME KIND OF VANILLA-AND-GASOLINE-SCENTED LUBRICANT

ALSO +10 FOR THE GAY BAR GAY BAR GAY BAR
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: first_seventhe
2008-09-22 03:12 pm (UTC)
I need an "I'm gay for Princess Grace!" icon!
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]From: hilldo
2008-09-22 04:42 pm (UTC)
You make us the art, we'll find a place!
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: first_seventhe
2008-09-22 04:45 pm (UTC)
I've got plenty of space on my website for your excellent fanarts!!
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)